Pockets Full of Memories ...

Monday, after she had gone through a year of increasing illness and much longer of not being quite right, we had to put my dog Nimi to sleep.

Nimi was a birthday present for my sixteenth – my parents decided they had to do something when they found me kissing the hamster. (I believe the hamster in question was Willow, who was remarkably dumb even for a hamster but quite amiable and so much as you can say this about hamsters, affectionate.) Most kids want their own set of wheels by sixteen; I was delighted with the promise of a puppy as soon as a new litter was born. My parents found the Bichon Frise breed because they don’t shed and are hypo-allergenic.

We went out to see the pups when they were three weeks old. One of them crawled into my lap and fell asleep. Instant love – the breeders agreed to put a dot of magic marker on her so they could tell her apart. Then a long period of debate where we tried to find a name that would fit. We finally settled on Nimue (Nim-ooh-AY), the Celtic name for the Arthurian Lady of the Lake. (Seeing as formal breed registration requires a name long enough for (some) uniqueness, Nimue, Lady of the Lake is her officially registered name.) Nimi for short.

About a month later, I brought her home. The fateful moment – all the puppies were playing in the yard. One decides to trundle off in another direction, exploring … and all the others followed. Instant thought: seriously alpha dog. My father, with some trepidation, “Which one is ours?” to which the breeder replied, pointing at the lead dog, “Oh, that one.”

She was small enough at that point that I could carry her in one hand. I quickly found she was both very smart and very stubborn. She was second in her obedience class – out of two dogs. Supposedly, Bichons don’t bark – Nimi loved to and almost up to the last would kill her food, play bark, demanded out of her crate during meals, let me know at the top of her lungs when she wanted something … she always had to have the last word. If you scolded her for barking, she’d tack one more tiny little bark on the end as if to say, “So there.” An attempt to teach her not to bark using the hose just ended up in her refusing to be outside if it was on.

When wound up, she dashed frantically around the house, a pellmell explosion of energy. We called this “mad dog” and it became quite a sight when we remodeled with wood floors and she went skidding … she chased rabbits and never came close to catching them. She never learned to distinguish squirrels, except for the fact they were harder to catch; they were both “bunnies” to her.

The baby of the family, she loved being cuddled and scritched and would twist her body back into it. Stop, and she’d paw at you for more. She licked faces as “kisses.” She invited herself wherever she wanted to be, clambering over people if they were in the way and then stretching out to make room. She adored people and when I started teaching harp, could tell when I was setting up for arrivals and patiently sat by the window on the lookout for them. We’d joke about her “Lively intelligence” when she was playing dumb – really, she chose to be smart only when it benefited her.

Some of her favorite past-times were walks and rides in the car. She had (far too many) toys and seemed to have the most fun with the ones far bigger than she because they “fought back” when she tried to throw them around.

She wasn’t too fond of other dogs most of the time; for some reason, multi-colored canines were a particular source of trauma. We ended up referring to them as, “Plaid dogs.” She made enemies of the lawn-mower and the inflatable exercise ball, barking at them and then valiantly running away, but for some reason was never bothered by the vacuum-cleaner and completely ignored my harp.

But she was never right physically, from a very young encounter with kidney stones that required surgery to continuous infections that eventually morphed into a trip to the emergency pet clinic on Memorial Day 2006. She was way too smart about her medications, dunking her food to wash them out or shuffling them to the side of her mouth even when placed in peanut butter, though after a while she generally stopped trying to get rid of them; she seemed to recognize they were meant to help.

She was back at the emergency clinic in the fall; by spring of 2007, her condition had worsened to the point where the vet finally prescribed subcutaneous fluids. I, terrified of needles, had to insert one under her skin in two places twice a day.

For a short while, it worked. She was as bright and cheerful as ever, and I breathed a sigh of relief – knowing she didn’t have long, but thinking on the order of six months to a year.

It was three weeks before she started to mope again, refusing about half her food every day. Last Tuesday, she ate nothing the entire day. When she turned her nose up at breakfast, I brought her into the vet and found out that her kidneys (the issue all along) had failed and she had almost no kidney function. There wasn’t anything left to do.

Making the decision was horrendously wrenching, but the vet was able to provide us with some shots to perk her up and give her some energy for the weekend. So she had walks, she had car-rides, she had the people food she was usually forbidden – and my family and I went through 54 exposures of film between Saturday and Monday. But we could tell that even these measures weren’t working: between shots, she was confused, wobbly, depressed and refusing food again, and for longer each time.

So Monday, the appointment. The vet and vet-tech were wonderfully compassionate and caring. It was so easy it seemed unreal. Got home, where one of my students – who is renting my smaller harp – very thoughtfully dropped it off so a young trial student could play something that wasn’t bigger than she was. Turned out she’d had to put her dog to sleep earlier that day. I felt terribly guilty that I’d asked her to drop it by.

I’m saving Nimi’s crate bear and her collar; the latter will have a locket and a few strands of her hair in it. I hope if there is a heaven she’s found my grandfather Papa Tony, who loved his “nutsie muttsie,” and his old dog Hutch. Maybe they’ll startle a few butterflies back to earth for us.

Addendum – my only real composition, The Butterfly Waltz, was written last year shortly before my friend Lauren’s wedding (hi, Lauren!). It came to me after I was grousing on a walk that I was really bothered I could write accompaniment, write lyrics, write *books*, but not music, when a butterfly flitted across my path. My mother believes butterflies are my grandfather saying hello.

I was playing the waltz and writing the section about “butterflies” above when my uncle Chris called. He said he had lost a few items, including his car keys, and asked Papa Tony to find them. Sure enough, they showed up. My aunt Jeanne said she’d spotted a butterfly at about the same time and never seen one so high.

Hi, Papa Tony. Don’t let her boss you around too much.

Testing ...

One ... two ... three ...

Wind And Water

Another CD collection of songs. Many of these were 4-5 mins long, so I nearly overloaded the disk. Yes, there is some greater news, but at present I'm trying to distract myself from it, so ...

Collection theme is Water and Wind. It's more the former than the latter. Hence the billing.

1. A New Day Has Come - Celine Dion
2. All Soul's Night - Loreena McKennitt
3. I'm Gonna Fly - Sydney Forest
4. The Second Element - Sarah Brightman
5. Roots And Wings - Anne Murray
6. Rain, Tax (It's Inevitable) - Celine Dion
7. Breathe - Michelle Branch
8. Dust In The Wind - Sarah Brightman
9. Before You - Chantal Kreviazuk
10. Sisters In The Wind - Laura Powers
11. Titanic Days - Kirsty MacColl
12. River Deep, Mountain High - Celine Dion
13. Seven Seas - Sarah Brightman
14. Last Day Of Summer - Kirsty MacColl
15. 8th World Wonder - Kimberley Locke
16. The River Cried - Sarah Brightman
17. The Old Ways - Loreena McKennitt

Defiance

"I have never been able to accept the two great laws of humanity - that you're always being suppressed if you're inspired and always being pushed into a corner if you're exceptional. I won't be cornered and I won't stay suppressed." -- Margaret Anderson

(There's a reason for my scarcity this time. Expect a longer post as soon as I've had some film developed.)

Gratuitious Brag

Fantasy-writers is a smidge behind on their challenge results, so April just came through. I wasn't watching real carefully, because I'd assumed sheer length put me out of the running, but:

http://www.fantasy-writers.org/news.asp#news_305

Go figure, I say. Just ... go figure. ;-)

Long Time No ...

Blink and time flies - I know it has been a while since I've posted. Been caught up in online gaming and the vagaries of rejection letters. (The writer's friend! Okay, not precisely.)

I keep having long, involved, story-like dreams. One is being adapted into a short story on a subject that has been bothering me for a while as one I simply have never been able to do. The other one appears to be blameable on Reign of Fire.

It's official: I *am* going to my cousin's wedding in July. Going to fly up early, more than likely, and spend a few days in Boston before trekking to Connecticut to see the relatives. Any especial recommendations?

Saving books for the trip as well. Currently reserving Something Rotten (Jasper Fforde) and Young Miles (Lois McMaster Bujold) - an omnibus of The Warrior's Apprentice, The Vor Game and The Mountains of Mourning, a novella/novelette that occurs between the two. For a third I'm going to want traditional fantasy, a mystery or an anthology, but haven't decided yet. Yeah, I doubt I'll read all of them. It's the packing that counts.

Have had *some* good news - Allegory is holding onto "Poetic License" as a maybe. I'll know by the end of the month.

Excerpts

I've had the Transient excerpt on my webpage since time immemorial, so decided to switch it to a story of different tone. This is a fairly significant chunk of "Shared World," a rather brief story that examines what happens when you write yourself into your fantasy world as a god ...

Updated!

Added a review for "This Is My Funniest" to my Reading Recommendations.

Wow. Just ... wow

In the interests of providing a balanced view of reviewers (and of bragging), I just discovered this, which includes a review of "Hour By Hour" In Abyss and Apex #22 (keep scrolling down!):

http://david-de-beer.blogspot.com/2007/04/abyss-and-apex-22.html

Actual review starts, "I first read Lindsey Duncan at Alienskin magazine, and was very impressed with her skill and inventiveness."

Anthologies

When I read short stories, my preferred venue is anthologies. While some magazines are fantastic - the now-deceased Marion Zimmer Bradley's Fantasy Magazine was one of the best publications ever; I have an abiding love from Andromeda Spaceways, I recently picked up Talebones and was pleasantly surprised that I actually *liked* dark fantasy ... - I find anthologies more appealing. The unified theme, the opportunity to see several authors' take on the same topic (another reason I like the fantasy-writers.org monthly challenges), plus the fact that anthologies seem to avoid the bizarre and experimental, the surreal stories that seem predominantly designed to make the reader realize that the author is far more profound than they are.

A quick sampling of the anthologies on my shelf:

Murder By Magic - a melding of the supernatural and sleuthing, written by both speculative and mystery authors
Twice Told Tales - fairy tales told from the perspective of the losers
My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding - fantasy stories involving marriages and weddings
Sword & Sorceress XIV and XXI - sword and sorcery stories with strong female protagonists
Cosmic Cocktails - science fiction stories set around/involving ... bars and taverns
Thou Shalt Not Kill - mystery collection involving priests, either as suspects or investigators

BASH now available!

After patient waiting - and it was worth the wait! - the very first story I ever sold, "But Before I Kill You ..." a send-up of evil overlords everywhere, is now available in Fantasist Enterprises' Bash Down The Door And Slice Open The Badguy.

You can find details here:

http://www.fantasistent.com/books/anthologies/BASH.php

In which newly-crowned Velarre determines to take on the role of evil overlady while avoiding the mistakes of her predecessors. Featuring a puzzling priest, a lumbering lord and formidable fashions.

The Last Word

This is officially the final sentence(s) in my novel Flow:

Chailyn nodded. “I am sure I will need your help in the future, my friends.”

Review!

This one is for "Hour By Hour" in the current issue of Abyss and Apex. This is the first fantasy mystery story I managed to sell, and I'm fairly pleased with the review.

http://www.tangentonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1050&Itemid=267

Dreamgirls

I recently saw this movie in the comfort and privacy of my own home. The music instantly had me hooked. It's bright, energetic and infectious, and expertly woven into all levels of the story: stage performances of the group, "story songs" ala the tunes in a musical, and some pieces that were straight opera, with the dialogue and conflict sung. (I believe the term is "rock opera" here.) Many of these clips stemmed from or wove into rehearsal scenes, stage reprises, progress montages, radio announcements ... skillful integration of awesome music.

As far as the story itself, the last part of the movie slowed almost to the point of drifting interest and could have been truncated without losing any of the impact, but it was otherwise an engrossing storyline. What struck me the most was the fact that no character was completely in the right throughout. A series of partway wrong decisions created all the misfortunes, and you still sympathized with (most of) the characters despite them.

The performances were fantastic. I can definitely see both supporting act(or/ess) Oscar nominations (I'm indecisive about Hudson's win still), though this is definitely a movie where main and supporting blurs. Hudson's voice is shatteringly powerful, but what really impressed me was Beyonce's range. She managed to "tone down" when singing the stage-sets a character who was supposed to have a fairly unexceptional voice, and then ripped out for a few of the opera/story songs mentioned above.

(Mild spoilers below.)

Dreamgirls' story arc is best summed up by the two songs that are both, at pivotal points in the story, repackaged by another singer. These songs represent taking something raw and vibrant and commercializing it. It's particularly striking in the second set of songs, where one simple word-choice completely alters the meaning of the song. In the original (this song is performed, not story), the singer expresses her wish to love a man, but "you really don't have the time." In the recap, it becomes, "I really don't have the time." One little pronoun and a very striking expression of regret becomes bubbly, and the rest of the song thematics follow.

Mother's Day

My clever plan to conceal my Mother's Day gift in my mother's keyboard tray went horribly awry.

I knew I had to act fast, because she was talking about going out and purchasing the book I left for her. So I asked her to check something for me.

Turns out she only needed the mouse. Never pulled the tray out.

So I, thinking frantically, suggested she go on Borders.com and look for a coupon. She tells me to do it. I pull out the tray.

Mother talks blithely, looking up, looking down, never once at the keyboard. "What do you want me to do?" says she.

And I reply, finally at my wit's end, "Will you LOOK at the left side of your keyboard?"

Yep, that finally did it.

Review

Second review I've ever received - mixed opinion, mostly bad on Winged Words:

http://www.tangentonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1038&Itemid=265

Feeling a bit shell-shocked. Don't they know authors read these?

Ambivalence in Fiction

Sorry I've been quiet ... life is insane. Here's a bit of a quote from an essay I just submitted. The theme is Poe, and I claimed that his story served to create a sense of ambivalence in readers - and uses claustrophobia to enhance it. To support why the heck you'd want to do that anyway:

Ambivalence is a powerful force in fiction because it leaves the reader unsettled. If a writer leaves clear signposts that a character is the hero – and portrays them with sufficient skill – then the reader feels frightened when the character is in jeopardy and relieved when they escape. The emotion is generally resolved in the mind of the reader and then forgotten. If a writer manages to create a sense of ambivalence, however, the reader may find himself in a state of emotional suspension. He cannot simply resolve the issue and move on. Many of the best stories cause these uncertainties to linger in the minds of readers. Claustrophobia can enhance this ambivalence because it metaphorically traps the reader. If the sense of being shut in is conveyed vividly enough, it transfers to the reader, just as reading about a frightening situation can cause his heart to race.

In reading Poe, what I was really impressed with was the flow of the language. It's very rhythmic, including the use of punctuational tricks you couldn't get printed nowadays. (So many good things have been thrown out with the bathwater of advances in literature! But I digress.)

Quotes!

"The truth isn't always beauty, but the hunger for it is." -- Nadine Gordimer

"My mother said, 'You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.' I said, 'Just wait."" -- Judy Tenuta

And in honor of the Stargates being back in season, a bit of SG-Atlantis snark:

Maj. John Sheppard: How's it coming, Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.

Reading Reccs

Reading Recommendations updated to include a handful of mysteries that impressed me when I read them, and since I'm amassing a longish list, to have the three most recent recc in a separate category at the top in order newest down, and then an old-reccs category with the others from oldest down.

Last Two

I've rounded out my collection of mixes to an even half dozen, and that ought to do it . On "Passion Play" where I was looking for songs which were sheerly about attraction, not romance ...

1. When You're Good To Mama - Chicago soundtrack
2. Free Me - Emma Bunton
3. Once In A Lifetime - Sarah Brightman
4. Get With You - Dian Diaz
5. Lover - Sophie Ellis-Bextor
6. Strut - Sheena Easton
7. Lay Your Love On Me - Emma Bunton / Luis Fonsi
8. Rush - Cherie
9. I'll Be Right Here - Paulina Rubio
10. Love Toy - Gloria Estefan
11. Devil In A Fast Car - Sheena Easton
12. Casanova - Paulina Rubio
13. I Drove All Night - Celine Dion
14. Heaven's What I Feel - Gloria Estefan
15. Remember How We Danced - Dian Diaz
16. I'm Gonna Getcha Good - Shania Twain
17. Tic Toc - LeAnn Rimes
18. Turn My Motor On - Kirsty MacColl (I chose to cut "In These Shoes" because this whole CD was gettin' long.)
19. Sex In The 90's - Gloria Estefan

The other mix is "Foreign Film Dub" (shout-out to Whose Line Is It Anyway?) which contains songs that are partially or entirely in another language. Predominantly Spanish, given my favorite artists ...

1. Times - Lesiem (Latin)
2. Oye - Gloria Estefan (Spanish)
3. Hijo De La Luna - Sarah Brightman (Spanish - I'm pretty sure)
4. Trouble With Goodbye - LeAnn Rimes (Various)
5. Adonde Voy - Linda Ronstadt (Spanish)
6. Seallaibh Curaidh Eoghain - Sileas (Scots Gaelic)
7. Nao Esperando - Kirsty MacColl (Spanish)
8. Tu Y Yo - Thalia (... Spanish ...)
9. Scene D'amour (No actual language - just oohs)
10. Oye Mi Canto (Hear My Voice) - Gloria Estefan (Spanish)
11. Te Amare - Gloria Estefan (Spanish)
12. Dove L'Amore - Cher (French)
13. Libre - Paulino Rubio (Spanish)
14. C'est La Vie - Shania Twain (French)
15. Fides (Belief) - Lesiem (Latin)
16. Mambo De La Luna - Kirsty MacColl (Spanish)
17. Cursum Perficio - Enya (Latin)
18. Molde Canticle - Sissel (Oohs)

I acknowledge that the language mix-up here is horrible to non-existent. Oh well!